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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.