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[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.