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blocked.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
i wish we could shoplift online
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.