Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

How do you like your Corgi?

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

Eat…

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

sin harder.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.