99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
A new level of troll.