Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster