Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

A friend helps you before you need it

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.