Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

It kinda feels like this rn

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Him: How was your day?

Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?

Him: *opens four bottles of wine*

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals