99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
what’s the point then??
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.