Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow