Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.