99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
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I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet