99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
My whole life was a lie.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
superterriblemorningexpialidocious