99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.