Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Ummm
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god