Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Matthew was born for this.

When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

How wrong was this guy?

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.