Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Well, that should do it

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.