Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me