Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the chicken was already gone when I got here

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

(after sex)

Would you mind completing this brief survey?

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

Practicing safe sax

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.