Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

I’ll be mad as hell!

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

you gotta be faster

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year