Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

oh u like geography? name every lake

Before & after 😅

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace