Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Noah could only fish twice.

Why?

He only had two worms.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.