Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Good point.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE