Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

sailors wish they could swear like me

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

A choir of Spring onions

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.