Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

my mind

You just read my mind

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

ME: Is there a ghost in here?

{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}

Ouija Board: {slides to no}

ME: phew

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.