Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

Happy Taco Tuesday

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.