Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come