99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
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I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom