Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Classic German Shepherd 😂

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

based al yankovic

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?