Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel