99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
May have had one breakfast too many
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
me and the Superbowl rn
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.