99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
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A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
brian had himself a morning…
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.