99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
You Might Also Like
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.