99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
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My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
can’t bark with your mouth full
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.