Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

I’m not sorry.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”