99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.