99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Big Sex has us all fooled
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.