Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

I identify as an antique shop.

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?