Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

Feel. He’s so soft.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”