Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!