Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

Happy thanksgiving!

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos