99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
An odd boast
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.