99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
You Might Also Like
Stick it to the man
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Facebook Twitter
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
That’s no pocket rocket.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?