99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
fr
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”