Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

There is no try. There is only give up.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.