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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
i did the math
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.