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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
😂😂😂
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.