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I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
At least when I talk to myself here, people don’t look at me funny.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?