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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
i’m gonna allow it
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.