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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Are we there yet?…
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT