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Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.