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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
This is my pinned tweet
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage