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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
My typo game is string.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape