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men, we mow at sunrise.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
My dog learned how to text
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog