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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
The news in a nutshell.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?