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Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
File under excellent bookstore names.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.