You Might Also Like
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.