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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Shortcut
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.