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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.