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[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
good morning
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Good dog. ❤️
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.