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This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
mentally somewhere in italy
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
pizza
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
how it started vs how it ended
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.