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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder