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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food