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You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
good work, everybody
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
those birds must be on payroll
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.