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We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.