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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.