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Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
Hot Hot Hot
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked