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american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS