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I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
BEETROOT
Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with meBeetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea#NationalPoetryDay
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
is this store having a stroke wtf
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.