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Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!