You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”