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{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I hate my earbuds.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
😅🤣😂
584.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.