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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.