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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.