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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
No way!
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
They’re called werewolves.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived