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All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.