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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
dutch so unserious
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.