You Might Also Like
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.