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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out