You Might Also Like
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
never forget
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog