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My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Denise please return my vape pen
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
🔥🔥
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
fly smarter, not harder
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.