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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside