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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf