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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this