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Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.